After four years of trying, I consider myself a pro at listening to my body. However, for that first year, every PMS symptom made me think it could be a pregnancy symptom and I was developing mothers intuition. Those lofty goals fell hard with the recurring period that inevitably came without fail. Every month for that first year I felt like a fool.
These days I am less likely to jump to the conclusion that I am pregnant and far more likely to steel myself up and prepare myself for another failed cycle. But not this month. This month I allowed my mind to wonder, to imagine that my cramps were a sign that perhaps Danny and I were going to be expecting again. After doing the math on day 31, realizing that I had been cramping for 17 days and had no spotting in sight! For me, this is abnormal and I allowed myself to take a pregnancy test and hold my breath.
I didn’t cry. Sometimes I think I want to, but I can’t bring myself to commit to sorrow. I usually resign myself to anger. Anger gives me a feeling of control. Control even though my own reproductive system revolts against me. My anger feels like a witness to the emotional pain, as if my body understands the anguish it havocs on my soul and is gearing up for a fight.
Perhaps this rejection was easier to swallow because we had specific steps to follow. I had certain tests to schedule and now that I knew my period was coming I could prepare myself to begin scheduling and going to the appointments.
I hope that this month of testing finally brings answers. Even though the tests are invasive, I will happily spread my legs and place my feet in the stirrups if it means that I will finally learn what is wrong with me.